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Posted Feb 24, 2006

Drunk Dialing: The Good, the Bad, and the Unrecoverable

By Erica Cooper, Writer

You’ve been sitting at home drowning your sorrows in a bucket of ice cream because you and your ex have called it quits for the final time. While your friends are begging you to come out with them to have some fun, you know you would be better off sitting at home mourning your loss. You continue to tell them that you are just not ready to go out again. However, they won’t take no for an answer and they finally convince you to agree, reluctantly, in joining them for happy hour at the hippest water hole in town.

Since the UPS man has not even had the pleasure of being graced by your divine presence when delivering packages to your doorstep, you consider your friends lucky that they have even talked to you over the phone these past few weeks-let alone see you. But, to their insisting, the big happy hour night arrives. So you go over to the closet, put on your best outfit, and practice smiling in a mirror. After all, you want your friends to think you are doing OK and it has been awhile since a smile has found itself on your face.

At the bar you greet your friends with the expected “I’m fine, how about yourself?“ as you begin to down the first of many drinks that evening. “I can honestly say that the ‘ex factor’ and I are going to be friends and this breakup is for the best,” you explain. Spotting a cutie at the end of the bar you smile at him in a weak attempt to convince your friends that you are really over the ex. In the mean time, your friends are fulfilling their duty to make sure those drinks keep coming. But as the night proceeds, the haunting of your own sadness returns. Your thoughts shift from feeling the groove of the music playing in the bar to a voice in your head saying “I spent four years of my life with that idiot and what do I have to show for it?” Soon your friend’s voices start to fade away as your mind becomes solely focused on the ex and what went wrong…how he or she destroyed your life and shattered your hopes and dreams. Now you have to start all over with someone new. Then the only possible solution hits you: drunk dialing. You become convinced it will not only help you feel a lot better but it will also solve all your problems.

Let’s take a look at this dating phenomenon and analyze just a few of the many real life drunk dialing scenarios.

Drunk-Dial-a-Booty-Call. Are you remembering how great the sex was with your ex? Or perhaps you are longing for a romp in the sack with your new lover. A few drinks and an active libido can lead to drunk-dial-a-booty-call.

Case Study: Mary* calls her current lover at some random time in the morning, and as fate would have it he has had just as much to drink as her AND is still awake. They have an incredible conversation that neither of them can quite remember the next day, which is followed by a rendezvous for some late night loving. Now that is the ideal drunken dial, isn’t it?

Since we all know that happens in about 1 in 1,000 drunk dial calls, let’s get back to reality – the down side of drunk dialing, which most of us have fallen victim to at some point in our dating lives.

Drunk-Dial-to-Discuss. This is the most common and dangerous form of drunk dialing. It may start out as a well intentioned phone call, however the underlying anger mixed with too many Margaritas serves as a forum to yell and scream – after all you only want to make sure your feelings are clearly known and, under absolutely no circumstances, do you think the person your calling would ever challenge your view or ignore your issue. If you’re calling an ex then there’s also the chance of hearing the dreaded sound of another voice or groans from the new woman or man in your ex‘s life. This is where the battlefield of love becomes combative. What started out as a fun night with friends over a few drinks, along with a quick call to say “hey” now turns into an angry venting phone call about how you have been ‘done wrong.’ You’ll be embarrassed the next day – trust me on this one!

Case Study: Scott* knew things weren’t going so well in his relationship. After several beers, along with a lot of thinking, it seems like the perfect time to call and tell that oh so special significant other just exactly how he feels. And how stupid she is, what a god he is, and how lucky she is to have him in her life. Not to mention how often she hurts his feelings. What comes out once she picks up the phone after six rings- at two am- is this “ You are such a BLEEPING idiot! (voice gradually raising, words slightly slurring together). I am wonderrrul, what’s wrong with you! You know, I can do soooooomuchbetter then you. I gotta go.“ All she hears is some mumbling after that and click he hangs up on her. Boy, he sure showed her, didn’t he?

Drunk-Dial-Intervention. Do you suppose it’s really possible to stop someone from making that fateful drunk dialing call? Is the garbage the friend has to put up with while trying to stop the drunken dialer worth it, or is it just easier to let them make the call?

Case Study: Lori thinks she just HAS to call her ex, but an equally drunk, highly assertive friend, Judy*, steals the phone away to go hide it. This is followed by Judy holding Lori down while yelling, “Don’t do it – you don‘t need him! He treated you badly and now you are just going to look desperate!” Meanwhile, Lori is now crying because she thinks the ex is just dying to hear from her – although he sure isn’t picking up the phone to call her. Through her very own telepathic power she knows what he is thinking and it is very obvious to her that she needs to make the first move. After all, who doesn’t want to hear from their less then sober ex at three am? Needless to say she spends the rest of the night over the toilet crying and purging her system of the alcohol. Thank goodness for Judy! Well, except the next day when the phone is MIA and Judy can’t remember where she hid it.

Drunk-Dial-With-A-Message. You have a few things on your mind but, not being sure how to bring them up for discussion, you decide to have a drink or two for a slight boost in confidence before calling that someone. That drink or two turns into 4 or 5+ drinks. Then the drunk dial call comes- but wait! You get the machine! So all you have to do is leave a message saying everything you need to say, interruption free. You think you’ve struck gold! But lets take a closer look at where this message may lead.

Case Study: The day after a great night out with her girlfriends Amy* is left with a bad hang over; however, she promised her beau- we’ll call him Tim- they would spend the day together. So off she goes to his house, only to be greeted at the door with this: “Hey I have something you should listen to.” She follows him over to the phone. God how she wishes that pounding in her head would just STOP. He then plays back a message that was left on his machine. Hmmmm, that sounds like her voice but she just doesn’t remember making that call. She knows there was a thought about making the call but did she really DO it? After listening to the slurred, incomprehensible message he asks her, with a sly smile playing across his face, what she was trying to say in that message. Wow, that is a very good question. After stumbling around for words, turning ten shades of red and still at a lack of words the phrase “so sorry about that” tumbles out of her mouth. It’s a good thing Tim has a sense of humor.

Lesson: Never, EVER drunk dial and attempt to leave a message, as you don’t want evidence of your bad behavior played back to you. This results in nothing but humiliation and could be a lot worse if the message you leave is ever deciphered.

Drunken Dial Recovery. If you do make the mistake of drunk dialing, here is an example of one of the best drunk dialing recovery stories I’ve ever heard.

Case Study: Amy* (remember her from earlier?) is with a new guy, we‘ll say his name is Jack. Once again she is out with the girls when, after a few cocktails, she decides to duck in the bathroom to make a quick call to the new guy. While the phone is ringing she has a flashback to that drunken dial message. While the alcohol has slowed her thinking process down a bit, her memory makes her realize maybe she shouldn’t be calling Jack. Right about this time he picks up. Recovery: “Jack? (sounding surprised) Oh I’m so sorry, was trying to call Jen but I must’ve hit the wrong button. Had a bit much to drink and apparently can’t use the phone. So sorry, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Bye!” Whew, that was a close one! But drunk dialing recovery paid off.

Remember all your relationship issues are much better discussed when both parties are sober. No matter how good of an idea it seems at the time, unless you want to quite possibly ruin the relationship or face never ending teasing, don’t drink and dial. And yes, the same things apply to drunk e-mailing!

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals.

Share your drunk dialing stories at our ‘Drunk Dialing: True Stories’ forum. The best posting will win a gift certificate courtesy of Passion Parties by Erica. Must be 18+ to enter.

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